Decisions, Decisions
July 16th, 2004, 23:51
What shall I do? What shall I begin? What shall I end with?
The teared threads, I want to bring them back together,
but then I dont want to get hold off the past I already gulped down and shat out.
What is life to me? I dont know for sure, but I know, what it should be …
Out of the realistic point of view: some kind of job that aint thaaat bad, some kind of flat, in which i dont live alone - which I share with some good friends, maybe some personal luck called a friendly girl, and all above of this: being happy, healthy and wise.
Out of the utopic point of view: being happy, healthy and wise, living in a big flat with some nice friendly girl, having many materalistic things to spread into the world, no, even being not that heavily dependent from money like we all are today, living in a kind of super-captitalism that doesnt pay off at all. Being happy, lovely, healthy and wise. Like a guru. Or so.
My current personal state:
a) I aint got a job - the german IT branch is down the drain, nobody who got lots of brains, lots of experience, but less of diploma gets a job. The only jobs I could get right now wont help me that much getting a life of my own, being mainly still dependent from my parents.
b) I aint got an own flat - much thanks to the bad job situation: no money, no flat, no own life.
c) I am single once again. No, for quite some time now.
What could help me to catch on, to jump the train to a new life?
a) This very job thingy - I'’m currently thinking about changing the job branch completely - to switch over to the social ones … becoming a streetworker. But to do so, I would have to start studying again, and w/o a part time job? No way. 
b) Jobs I could get: are bad ones.
Somebody give me a job! Either some contract work - yes, I DO create websites, set up CMSes, customize them the way YOU want it - or some kind of part time job as programmer, multimedia- or screendesigner. Hell, even SysAdmin of a small/middle sized company wouldnt be that bad, either! I’m less experienced in that kind of field work, but nonetheless - I’m not bat at all in that kind of field! I’ve been working with heterogenic networks for about 4 years now, mainly in the private area, but I DO know how to set them up, how to administrate them!
c) But is it really the job that’s going to change my life? I dont think so.
It cant be just this single piece, which makes it up in my life, which lets me sail out of the situation I navigated myself, blind-folded, into!
No, there must be more to this.
d) But I cant think of anything else!
Oh yes, I can. I know. It aint be done by sitting by myself before the ‘puter and letting the day dripple away. I have to stand up, to rise my arms, to cling my fists!
e) What would you do, if you couldnt come to anybody right now, if you were thrown out by your parents?
This is the question my father does ask me day by day, or maybe every second one.
I dont know, is my answer. Possibly go to this one or to that one. Sleep there.
But that aint it all. That aint no life.
I’m tired of running away of my problems, but I’m also tired of having to defeat these questions day by day, while I cant even answer them to myself.
Laters …
cu, w0lf.
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